Drunk Supreme Bribing for Gay Marriage

The Supreme Court heard the case today that could potentially legalize same-sex marriage across the United States. All nine justices had wide ranging thoughts on the issue, from what legalizing it will do to the definition of marriage to will it lead to multiple people entering a single union.

The three lone female justices, Elena Kagan, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Sonia Sotomayor, all firmly support the legalization of same-sex marriage. Their arguments in court today can be summed up as one big face palm followed by, “Seriously?!”

I imagine that after work they all went to happy hour to bitch. Ginsburg naturally can out drink everybody and still maintain composure, whereas Kagan is allergic to booze and Sotomayor keeps ordering Sex on the Beach.

“What is up with these men?” Sotomayor asks the girls.

“Listen, they come from conservative backgrounds, we shouldn’t be surprised by their opinions,” Kagan responds.

“Can it, Kagan,” Ginsburg replies. “The only thing they learned from their backgrounds is to view anything other than straight men as lesser thans. ANOTHER ROUND!”

“That may be true,” Kagan retorts, sipping her Shirley Temple, “but it’s our job to try and convince them to our side.”

“No, it’s our job to show them they’re idiots, and publicly make them look that way,” Ginsburg says.

“We can be more tactful. Both Roberts and Alito have small children, let’s just try and convince emone of them might be gay,” Sotomayor suggests.

“Too easy,” Ginsburg replies, “everyone will be gay eventually, right Kagan?” Ginsburg asks, implying that Kagan is gay.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kagan replies, looking around the bar for backup.

They continue to discuss how to persuade the male justices to support same-sex marriage, when Justice Anthony Kennedy walks in. Kennedy is considered the swing vote, the primary justice the gals will need to convince.

“Look, it’s Kennedy,” Sotomayor whispers.

“OK, here’s what we’re going to do…” Ginsburg says as they lower their heads and discuss the plan.

Kennedy is at the bar drinking a vodka soda talking to Eddie, the bartender.

“The usual Tony?” Eddie asks Kennedy.

“Make it a double,” Kennedy responds.

Eddie and Kennedy chat for a moment, while Ginsburg, Kagan, and Sotomayor casually approach him. Sotomayor is visibly drunk, leaning on Kagan. Ginsburg is leader of the pack.

“Hola Tony,” Sotomayor says as they approach Kennedy.

“Oh, hello ladies,” Kennedy says, swirling his chair around to meet them, “Can I buy you all a drink?”

“I’m allergic,” Kagan responds.

“We know,” Ginsburg replies. “Kennedy, what do you think about what went down today?”

“We certainly have a big decision to make. I’m not sure where I stand on it,” Kennedy says.

“I can’t stand,” Sotomayor says as Kagan helps her to a chair.

“You know what you need to do. The time has come to legalize same-sex marriage,” Ginsburg says, getting up in Kennedy’s face.

“I’m not so sure. I need to think on it,” Kennedy replies. “Are we sure that legalizing same-sex marriage nationwide isn’t stepping on states rights? And who are we to redefine the definition of marriage?”

“We’re the friggin Supreme Court,” Ginsburg responds, “we run the show here. Have you seen Congress? The politicians getting elected today? You expect them to make the right decision?”

“It’s not as simple as that,” says Kennedy.

Just then the door opens, flooding the bar with light, blinding all. A voice is heard.

“Oh yes it is,” says the voice, as they close the door, revealing former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor.

“Sandy Bandy Mandy,” Sotomayor says, passing out.

“Eddie, the usual,” O’Connor tells the bartender.

“What are you doing here Sandra?” asks Kennedy.

“Listen, since leaving the court, I’ve had some time to drive around the country, and I’ve come to the conclusion that everybody is fucking crazy. Nobody knows what they want, well, except to be followed on Twitter or Instagram or whatever. They’re tearing each other apart. We can’t let them decide this issue,” O’Conner says.

“You think we should legalize same-sex marriage nationwide just because of trashy people electing idiots?” asks Kennedy.

“Yes,” all the women reply (except Sotomayor, who is on the floor singing).

“I don’t know,” Kennedy replies.

“If you don’t, I’ll talk about that summer in 89,” O’Connor.

“You wouldn’t,” says Kennedy, looking frightened.

“You and Barbara Bush looked mighty fine together in that hammock,” O’Conner replies.

“Fine, you win. But you don’t play fair,” says Kennedy.

All the justices leave except for O’Connor. She stays at the bar talking with Eddie.

“Thanks for doing that Sandy,” says Eddie.

“Thanks for texting me,” O’Connor responds, “Smart move putting on the sign, ‘Free Drinks for Supreme Court Justices.’ That always works.”


“I can’t wait to come to you and Kevin’s wedding.”

“Can you believe it? I’m going to be Mr. Eddie Spacey!”

They drink to that.